WHERE HAVE I BEEN?- Dealing With Miscarriage & Loss

I finally picked up my camera to do some work and it really feels good to be back to doing something I love so much.  The picture above was the only thing I had shot this entire year. It isn't good. In fact the photo seems pretty bad considering I didn't get a perfect little snowflake like planned. This winter has been serving up all kinds of breathtaking landscapes big and small. I should be wrapped up in some 365 project making promises to take a photo a day. By the time I mustered up the energy to even go outside, on the day I shot this, the snow had already melted and clumped together a bit.  There wasn't much in the way of fresh falling perfection.  But, you know when I look again there seems to be a fitting quality to this image that is representative of the last few months and I wanted to share it.  The flake seems perfectly formed and miraculous but as it branches out something has gone wrong and messed things all up.

My husband Damian and I were married January 1^st of last year and wanted to grow our family right away. First, I went to every specialist and doctor in my health arsenal to make sure that nothing would stand in the way of a healthy pregnancy. There were obstacles but in the end everything was looking fine. We had the go ahead to try and conceive. This is right around the time we made the decision for me to focus on my business full time. When I returned from my Alaska trip we would set the wheel in motion. Trying to plan a family around my business and wedding season was only a bit stressful. We knew that things would happen when they were supposed to happen. We were doing everything we possibly could tracking ovulation and hormones.

The most stressful part of the time period was my constant suffering from Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I had one cyst that was larger than my right ovary and it didn't seem to be going away. I gained over fifteen pounds and my hormones were going haywire. Two days before Christmas I was doubled over in excruciating pain.  This was especially troubling since I had started to feel the symptoms that would let me know that we had a baby on the way. I took a home pregnancy test and was excited to see that I was indeed pregnant. I couldn't have been any happier and scared at the same time.

After a call to my doctor and an emergency visit to the office we were told that I had a classic case of appendicitis. If I was pregnant the outlook for my baby wasn't good. I was sent straight to the hospital emergency room for a scan of my abdomen. The thought of having a CT scan and exposing my baby to radiation terrified me and I fought it until a doctor finally suggested an MRI. He assured me that this was a much safer alternative since no radiation would be used. The results showed that I did not have appendicitis. The large cyst on my ovary had burst and now only measured 1.5cm.   Damian and I were relieved.  There were tears of joy and a sigh of relief. We could celebrate.

For Christmas I decorated a positive pregnancy test like an ornament and gave it to his parents. This would be their very first biological grandchild. Once his mom figured out that she wasn't looking at a sparkly thermometer but an indication she would finally be a grandma the excitement set in. Everyone wanted this baby so much.  My parents were ecstatic to have grandchild #12 on the way.  I saw a change in my daughter when she found out that she was going to be a big sister and my son quickly warmed up to the idea of another little sibling too. Things seemed to be progressing normally and the scare we had was behind us only I couldn't help but notice that pains persisted.  We were told that this was probably just my uterus growing or pain from the cyst.  An early ultrasound looked great.

I was really taking care of myself now, quitting caffeine, drinking lots of water, avoiding certain foods and getting lots of rest. Morning sickness had set in but it was more dizziness and nausea over certain smells than the actual sickness I had with my other two pregnancies.  Almost everyone around me was getting sick and eventually the germ gods cursed me with a horrible virus.  I did everything my doctor told me to do and got even more rest.  I eventually started to feel much better.  All of the plans I had for my business for the new year had been put on the back burner but now I was at least well enough to get through emails and phone calls.

Damian and I started picking out names.  I bought our baby a toy and started making plans for all the ways our life was changing.  I even went shopping for a few maternity things.  To be honest I wanted to shout the good news from the rooftops. For me there was really no reason to be worried. Damian was a bit more reserved with sharing the news.  He decided that he would wait to see the baby’s heartbeat.  That was the thing he was sure would make it more real.  Our ultrasound appointment was scheduled for a Tuesday morning.  Monday evening I went to volunteer at the soup kitchen and spent the whole night feeling out of sorts.  When I got home I started bleeding. 

The next few days were hazy.  They were filled with tears, pain and fear.  The ultrasound that Tuesday didn't show a heartbeat but I could see a clear outline of our little baby.  Since we were using the small bedside ultrasound machine we were rescheduled until later in the week when we would have another ultrasound with the bigger machine.  I had only bled for a few hours but the pain continued and worsened.  I would describe the pain as torturous because of its severity and the ominous presence it placed in our lives.  The doctor told us we had a 90% chance of miscarrying. 

I know people who have had the misfortune of losing a baby but I had no close personal experience with such a loss.  No one in my immediate family had gone through it. I had limited knowledge of what the experience was like. On television you see a woman holding her stomach as she feels a twinge of pain. There are stories of women who didn't even know they had lost a baby or even that they had been pregnant. The last book I had read was Labor Day and (spoiler alert: she has several miscarriages) there were no indications of the horrible way a miscarriage could drag on and on, only how such losses could drive a person crazy.  What happened to me was something I wasn't prepared for at all.

So after days of bed rest and pain we went to have another ultrasound.  When the image came up on the screen there was our little baby and the pitter pat of a small heart.  I could see the hope in Damian’s face but I didn't share his hope.  I’ll be honest. Later I would beat myself up for thinking the worst. The baby didn't look as developed as what I expected to see and the heart was beating way too slowly, only 55 beats per minute. Our new odds were more promising though. Now we only had a 50% chance of miscarriage. To me this meant that if the baby survived there were going to be problems.  I just knew something bad was happening. Together in the exam room we broke down.   There was only one problem.  The doctor hadn't read the results from my HCG blood test.  My hormones and dropped drastically and it was obvious that my body was preparing to rid itself of the little life I wanted so badly to hang onto.  I hated my body. The doctor told us that now the chances of having our baby were probably less than 5%.

We went back home to wait.  Through this whole catastrophe I had lost the power to pray.  Instead I questioned why things were going wrong and mostly I ended up blaming myself.  I climbed back into bed at home and into a state of emotional overload. It was only then that I found the power to pray. I asked God for only one thing at that was not to let my baby suffer. I couldn't get that struggling little heart out of my head.  I collapsed into exhaustion before waking up covered in blood and the bleeding didn't stop.  I went through pains that seemed to be the exact pains I had felt during childbirth. The dilation, bleeding and contractions persisted until that night I had an emergency D&C surgery. 

I can’t really explain the hole that this left in my heart.  I didn't just feel emptiness but I felt sadness because the loss of this very much wanted child was affecting everyone around me. To see my husband’s heart break was unbearable.  While we were losing our child Damian’s friend was a few floors up holding his newborn baby.  The friends that I celebrated our mutual state of pregnancy with went on being pregnant. I was left with nothing. My belly wouldn't be growing and I wouldn't be doing any more planning. Taking the last pill prescribed to help my uterus contract sent me into a ginormous panic attack. When my sister drug me out of the bed and out of the house I cried at the site of a pregnant belly and when I heard the sound of a hungry baby.

The best thing I did for myself was to talk about what happened. Damian and I went to talk to our counselor.  We talked to family and friends and we mostly just talked to each other.  This has brought us closer in our marriage.  We found out so many people around us have suffered from miscarriages and loss of children. Oftentimes their losses seem greater than our own.  We aren't alone.  In fact the start of a fetus is such a miraculous formation like the amazing snowflake that it seems almost impossible things go right when they do.  This makes life so much more precious and amazing. I wanted to share this story with my clients to help explain the time I had to turn down sessions and reschedule appointments. This story is why a planned period of time off this December turned into another month and a half of silence. I consider my clients my friends.  You have seen me cry happy tears at your weddings and at the site of your precious babies.  These tears of sadness are tears I didn't want to cry alone or else they might have swallowed me up and drowned me.  Thank you for letting me share.

I am better now.  I was a mom for two months as I carried our baby in my womb and for Damian seeing the heartbeat meant the world.  He was a daddy and truly blessed. We have our other big babies, Jakeb and Maurissa.  We have each other.

My focus is back on the work I love. I am now booking weddings during August and September when I expected to be off for maternity leave. I am behind the camera again and it felt good to look through the lens and see smiles during a session. That kind of happiness really heals my heart.